“Jealousy of Time”
I had some great questions about “jealousy of time” from a reader the other day. Since I’ve been writing so much about poly relationships, I assumed it was about jealousy in that context, but it wasn’t actually. It was more of a general question.
Jealousy of time in relationships can present itself in a number of different ways. One is when one of the partners tends to have more interests outside the relationship than the other. Or, one partner feels personally rejected when the other goes out, thinking that (s)he prefers the company of others. Sometimes jealousy presents as self-righteousness, as in “he should spend more time with me.” Others can get paranoid when their partner is out without them, always thinking that they’re being cheated on. (Of course, it’s not really paranoia if there is cheating going on.)
Between my personal experiences and my practice working with couples, I have seen jealousy in its many flavors. I’m not saying it’s an easy thing to overcome; however, I do have some suggestions about how to make a shift if you have been the one feeling jealous:
1. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Realize that it is not your partner’s job to be your constant companion nor to entertain you. If you feel lost without your partner, that is a sign you need to rekindle some old friendships, make some new ones, or find a new hobby or two.
2. Look at yourself. If you deep down inside know your partner is faithful, but keep finding yourself checking up on him or her, become curious about that. Most times it comes from a deep-rooted belief that you are not enough, that you don’t really deserve your partner. Do some work on loving yourself. Perhaps get help from a therapist or coach with this. It’s a process that takes time and commitment, but it is possible to make real progress.
3. Be Your Own Favorite. If you are worried that your partner prefers the company of others to you, that’s just another version of not believing you are good enough. If you become your own favorite, and start to love yourself more, those thoughts will diminish or disappear.
4. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. There’s nothing your partner “should” do. Both of you co-create your relationship exactly the way it is. If you don’t like the way it is, change it.
5. Speak your truth. If, for example, you’re angry about staying home every Saturday night with the kids while your partner is out with friends, ask to have your own night out doing whatever you want to do. Many times when we state how we feel, and ask for what we want, without blaming, people who love us respond to that.