In The End….

…we didn’t make it.  Yes, my first official polyamorous relationship is over. 🙁 I can hardly believe it myself.  I’m not gonna lie.  It sucks.  I don’t even like talking about it.  But I feel I owe it to all of you, those who have been loyally (and not-so-loyally-even) reading my blogs about it since it began almost two years ago now.

It has been just over two years since we first met, and just under two years since we started dating.

The last several months were kind of like when a person is dying, and then the person somehow rallies, and you start to believe they’re going to live…and then they die.  Our relationship died in that manner.  Which maybe makes it even more heartbreaking, because I really started to believe we were going to make it, for a while there.  I guess it doesn’t really matter exactly how it happened.  Anyone who has ever broken up with someone they really love knows, there’s no getting around it….it’s one of the most painful experiences human beings can go through, no matter how it happens.

I don’t want to reveal all the ugly details, for the sake of our privacy, and I will say this:  what it came down to was, we strongly disagreed on one subject that was of major importance to both of us.  It was a stalemate.  Ironically, the one subject was completely unrelated to polyamory.

That’s one, among many, things I am grateful to my former partner for.  He was by my side for my first foray into polyamory, and stuck with me as I struggled with jealousy, insecurity, and finally got to the root of all that and worked on my abandonment issues.  The work I did was super successful.  I had only a trace amount of those feelings left for the last several months. Certainly so little that I could have lived with that part forever.

I’m not giving up on polyamory, and I’m not giving up on relationships in general.  Right now, however, I have a lot of grieving to do.  And, as always, I will be alone for a good long time.

That’s one thing I’ve always done naturally in my life.  I have never jumped from one relationship right into another.  I want to make sure when I get into my next relationship that I am truly happy in my life, just being single.  Then I know I will be ready.

For now, however, you may see some more grief-oriented posts.  I apologize if that’s all a downer.  And I do know that without sadness, we would not know joy.  So if this is the price I have to pay for the joy I felt in that relationship, then it was totally worth it.  I have no regrets.

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