“Honey We Need to Talk” (Part II)
Okay, so in my last blog, I went over what not to do (as a woman- or a man) in having a “serious talk” with your male partner. Today, it’s about what to do:
1. Arrange a time to talk with you partner. Tell him that you want to talk, what it is about, and when you propose to do this talking. For example, while at dinner last weekend, I could have said: “I’d like to talk with you about our agreements regarding other partners. Would after we get back from dinner be a good time for you?” Using this technique, a man will not feel blindsided nor will you be attempting to talk at a time that he’s not in the mood- like, say, when he first gets home from work.
2. Make sure you have privacy and quiet. Men are not good at multitasking. If you have the stereo, tv, or computer on, kids running around, and/or phones ringing, it will not go well. Pick a time when it will just be the two of you, and turn everything off. The world will not end if you are incommunicado for a half hour or so.
3. Be direct. Many women speak “hintish” (that is when women say something that is meant to imply what we want to communicate); men DON”T. They will need you to just come right out and say what you really mean, in simple, clear terms. Preferably, using short sentences. If you have a feeling, identify it. If you want something, ask for it directly.
4. Stick to one subject at a time. If you jump from one thing to another in a conversation with a woman, she can follow you, no problem. A man will probably feel like his head is spinning. And you don’t want your man to be confused. You want him to hear and understand precisely what you mean. If you finish with one topic and want to move on to another, announce that. None of this is because he’s stupid. He’s not. His brain is just wired differently.
5. Understand that sometimes a man may need to think about something for a while, silently, on his own, before knowing what he wants to do or say. Leave room for him to do that. It may entail “sleeping on it” and arranging another time to talk, say, in a day or two. Women usually like to process things immediately, out loud, with another person. Men don’t. If you give him some time and space, many times he will be in a much better place with it and it will ultimately benefit both of you. Talk to your girlfriends in the meantime if you must.
6. Use “I statements”. This increases the chances that your partner will not feel blamed. It allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings. No one “makes” us have our feelings. We choose how to respond to what others say or do, thus creating our own feelings. Acknowledge your understanding of this by saying something like: “I feel angry when you_________.” Following a statement like that up with a request or a proposed agreement will work better here when you’ve started off with an “I statement.”
7. When you feel it’s done, say something like: “I feel complete with this, do you?” Again, clean, clear, simple.