“Honey, We Need to Talk” (Part I)
A couple of years ago, when I was still working as a dancer, I was getting off shift one night, and one of the other dancers asked something like: “So, what are all you day-shifters doing tonight?” I said that I was going home to have a “serious talk” with my boyfriend. And she gave me some very good advice. She said: “Well, whatever you do, don’t start off by saying ‘Honey, we need to talk’.” Point well taken. Although I thought her advice was kind of hilarious, it was hilarious because we as women many times do start off by saying something to that effect, which, I imagine, sets up a kind of dread in the hearts and minds of our partners. It’s a very ineffective way of starting off a productive and fulfilling exchange.
First of all, men historically don’t like to talk. Their brains are, in fact, not well-wired for talking. Women’s brains are. Which explains the differences in male and female abilities with regard to language and communication. So right off the bat, we are suggesting something that they’re probably going to wince at. If you are a woman reading this, imagine how you would feel if your male partner said something along the lines of: “We need to have a volley involving spatial relations.” Fear sets in, right? Dread, even. My thoughts, as a woman imagining myself in that position, are: Oh, shit. I hate spatial relations stuff. Do we have to? That sounds both boring and exhausting, all at the same time.
Now, for all those “women’s rights” activists out there that just got the crap triggered out of them by that, let me explain a bit about my version of equal rights. Yes, we do have equal rights. And, we can be in a place of equality and balance without ignoring that there are differences between the literal brains of men and women. Women’s brains are wired for talking, relating, and multitasking. Men’s brains are wired for spatial relations and single-minded focus. (And, this is a general statement; some male brains and female brains will not fit into this general pattern.) Men and women are equal in the sense that one is not better or worse than the other. And, we are different.
We’ve come this far. Don’t start out by saying: “Honey, we need to talk.”
Then, the other night I was out to dinner with my new partner. And I did have some things I wanted to talk about. And, in conversation, we seemed to be getting very close to one of them. So, I jumped right in, giving no warning. I’d say, judging by my partner’s revelation later that evening, that bringing something like this up spontaneously, in public, is probably not the best idea. Of course, I already intuitively knew that but, alas, I temporarily forgot. Somewhat miraculously, (probably through sheer determination and some good communication skills) we came to a place of agreement and happiness- but, still, I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m pretty sure 😉 that I am not the only one (man or woman) who has found it challenging to find the “right” time and way to bring up potentially conflictual topics with my partner. Yeah, so now that I have covered what not to do, I do have some suggestions about what to do in this area. And, if you wait just a few short days, I promise, I will reveal them.
In the meantime, you may want to ponder these questions: How have I tried to do this in my own relationship(s)? What has worked well for me/us, and what hasn’t? How would I like to be approached if my partner has something to discuss? What is my purpose or intention in talking to my partner?