Full-Out Transparency…Part IV

Again, if you haven’t read parts I, II, and III of my blog on transparency in relationships, I suggest  you go back and do that now…

Picking up where I left off, I went through the next forty-eight hours with much crying, journal writing, and “villain-izing” my primary (aka primary poly partner; boyfriend).  Finally, at the end of a hot yoga class during which I had dripped first tears and then sweat onto my mat, I started having this thought:  It is so beautiful that my partner and I have signed up to teach each other about transparency and boundary-setting in this lifetime  Then, I knew I was out of drama and ready to talk to him face to face about what was up for me.  I had shifted from blame to responsibility for co-creating this perfect situation with my partner.

I must say we both did a superb job of staying conscious and being transparent during our conversation, which lasted about an hour an a half.  My partner said it was one of the longest conversations of his life, lol.  As most women know, that is nothing for us ;)!

I expressed and owned my feelings (angry, sad, scared) and revealed that I had been suspecting him of lying for the past several days. He was shocked and sad.  This was a very difficult part of the discussion for both of us, and we got through it by staying open emotionally and continuing to speak our truth to each other.

I told him that I believed he had learned to conceal the full truth during the course of his marriage when his wife had often been angry when he’d revealed his desires to her, especially those of wanting to be with other people.  He agreed.  I also said that nothing short of full-out transparency was acceptable to me.  I was very clear and solid in standing in my truth.  This was the boundary-setting part for me, which I had in previous relationships struggled to do consistently.

He revealed that he had started out his increased contact with “Jane” not thinking it was anything significant that he needed to mention.  Then, when things had heated up, it seemed very hard (no pun intended) to bring it up to me at that point.  This was part of the full transparency for him.

We talked about the agreements we had so far in our relationship, and he revealed that he wished there were a little more “leeway” in them (more revealing).  He said he “didn’t know” what that would entail.  At the end of all the expressing and revealing on both sides, I suggested that we have a new thing called “leeway sex”.  I told him it would be fine with me if he had leeway sex with Jane, and I really meant it.  I actually want him to.  That compersion thing sneaking up on me again!  Suddenly, his revealing made my jealousy dissolve.

We also agreed that in order to heal the breech of trust in our relationship, I’d continue to tell him if I had more thoughts that he was lying.  Not surprisingly, those thoughts died out pretty quickly after that.  Through the lens of knowing that he’d concealed and hadn’t come clean yet, I perceived that he was lying to me almost constantly.   In fact his only lies were lies of omission about Jane.  Once he came clean, I stopped hearing lies.  I was no longer seeing him through the lens of mistrust.

It would not be for weeks later, in the process of writing the blogs about all of it, that we’d realize when things started to go off track.  It was way back the day after his first date with Jane.  What he said was:  “I don’t think I’m interested in having a relationship with her.”   His real truth was something more like this:  “I very, very much want to f*ck her, but could not see myself having a relationship with someone who’s twenty-two.  I would like to make an agreement that I can have sex with her without going through the farce of getting into a relationship.”  He also revealed afterward that he was scared to speak his truth about wanting “leeway sex”  (he did know what he wanted, after all).  So, he wasn’t 100% transparent the night of our big talk.  I accept that.  I don’t expect him to erase twenty-six years of concealing in the blink of an eye.  He probably still needs more learning about truth-telling.  And if he does, I understand that means I still need more learning about setting my boundaries and standing firm.

In the end, we were both very happy, and in fact for days afterward were practically high on our relationship.  The whole thing honestly brought us closer.  I don’t regret a minute of it.  We are both learning what we most need to learn in the beautiful dance of our love, shadow and all.

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