“Full Catashrophe” Dating
The author of a book named “Full Catastrophe Living”, John Kabat-Zinn, refers to “the poignant enormity of our life experience” and suggests mindfulness (being present in each moment) as a means to coping with it. After a recent experience in my primary relationship, I decided that polyamory is “full catastrophe” dating. It’s facing whatever is there in each moment. In polyamory, there is no hiding.
Allow me to explain: the day finally came. My primary partner had sex, actual intercourse, with someone else. And it brought up more for me than I had anticipated.
At first I recognized that the woman he wanted to have sex with seemed to evoke more jealousy in me than the great majority of the women he’s expressed an interest in. We talked about it, and I was in an exploration as to the “why” of my jealousy with some people and not with others. And, as always, I felt better about it after talking. To the point where I literally told him to pursue having sex with this woman on the day of a milestone event in his life, understanding that his urge to have “rampant sex” with a near stranger was growing stronger and stronger as this day approached. And I felt compersion at that moment. I told him that if he had sex with this woman (I’ll call her Emily) on the particular day in question, I’d be very happy for him. And I meant it. I felt my own joy. It was real.
Until the actual date was confirmed. Then, I was hit with a sudden attack of fear. I became very uneasy, and needed to take some space for myself and do some writing to clarify what was going on for me. I did, and here are, verbatim, some of the thoughts I had: “I’m afraid he’ll fall in love with her, and he might. I’m afraid he’ll leave me for her, and he might. I’m afraid that he might think her body is more beautiful than mine, and he might. I’m afraid that he’ll like having sex with her more than he likes having sex with me.” There was more, but I think you get it- all my fears and insecurities, some that I didn’t even know I had, were coming up. And I felt pretty bad.
As hard as it was for me, I revealed all the thoughts and feelings I was having, and he told me it was okay to feel the way I was feeling, and held me while I cried. His ability to hold space for me when I’m emoting is completely amazing to me. To his credit, he did not cancel his plans with her, and I wouldn’t want him to. To my credit, I released the feelings, and felt more connected to him, calmer, and more secure.
And that’s when I realized how polyamory is like full catastrophe dating. In monogamy, people worry that their partners will be attracted to someone else. In polyamory, we already know that they are. In monogamy, people worry that their partners will want to have sex with someone else. In polyamory, we know that they do. In monogamy, people worry that their partners will have sex with someone else. In polyamory, they will. In monogamy, people worry that their partner may be increasing their risk of STI’s by having sex with someone else. In polyamory, we know they are.
As frightening as this may all sound, most people are worrying about this stuff anyway, whether they’re aware of it or not. In polyamory, we are just more face to face with the “full catastrophe”. There are no guarantees in life or in relationships. In polyamory, we simply live that reality every day.
In the words of Hellen Keller: “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.”
When the actual date (and deed) happened with Emily, I had more stuff come up for me. I will tell you about that in Part II of this blog. For now, know that I still don’t regret my choice to be in a poly relationship with my “primary”; not for a minute.