Fifty Shades of Dysfunction
As I move through the Fifty Shades Trilogy, I am frequently frustrated by the ridiculousness of the arguments that the two main characters, Ana and Christian, have. It’s kind of like watching one of those stupid sitcoms, when the characters do the predictable, dysfunctional thing over and over. And then I rememeber, it’s only a story. I really don’t need to get so worked up about it. 😉
What I have noticed about their arguments, though, it that every time, I believe, (it’s hard to keep track, they’ve already had dozens of them) they are caused by one of two things: one of them either breaks an agreement or withholds information from the other. And each time, it comes down to fear. She is afraid he’ll forbid her to go out for a drink with her friend, so she does it anyway even though she has previously agreed not to. He is afraid she is too fragile, so he doesn’t tell her the details of how his psycho ex-sub is stalking her. And as much as Fifty Shades is unrealistic in the sense that no one would be this crazy in real life, (I certainly hope!), haven’t we all done that in our relationships? Haven’t we all broken agreements or withheld important communications out of fear? And hasn’t this resulted in some kind of unwanted result?
The upside to dysfuntion in relationships, is it provides a contrast to what we really want. Break agreement….fight like cats and dogs. Withhold important thoughts and feelings….fight like cats and dogs. If we get very clear on what we don’t want, we are automatically very clear on what we do want. It’s opposite. How, for example, would we create harmony in our relationships (the opposite of fighting)? By doing the opposite of what created the fights in the first place: by keeping agreeements and by being transparent.
With agreements, it’s very simple. If you make an agreement with your partner, keep it or change it. If you realize you either don’t want to keep an agreement you’ve made, or that you can’t for some reason, simply change the agreement. Fooling yourself into thinking that you want to make an agreement that you don’t really want to make doesn’t usually work either. That is called going unconscious, and usually results in breaking an agreement “by mistake”, forgetting to do something you agreed to do, etc. Again, it’s fear that may prevent you from doing the above. What if the other person gets mad? What if the other person is hurt? Bla, bla, bla.
Transparency, I’d say, is even more challenging for most people. We tend to have so many fears about being transparent. Like, worrying that our partner will laugh at us if we speak our truth. Worrying that our partner will not love us anymore, or worse yet (gasp!) leave us. And I do understand the fear. We’ve all experienced it in relationships. And yet, the alternative- concealing- doesn’t work. What you’re trying to hide will come out in one form or another.
What it all comes down to is this: are you willing to make your own integrity and happiness more important than your fear? It’s not a path for the faint of heart. But if you choose it, you have the opportunity to enjoy unparalleled joy and intimacy in your relationships.