Don’t Give Yourself Away

I have this little plastic heart in my house.  My daughter gave it to me years ago.  It’s a container.  It’s one of those things I’ve kept not because I really wanted a little plastic heart (I’m a big minimalist when it comes to “stuff”), but for sentimental reasons.  I’ve had the heart in the love corner of my house according to the principles of feng shui.  I figure it can’t hurt.  Inside the heart I keep a red piece of paper with a vow on it.  It’s not a wedding now, but rather a vow I made to myself not to give my heart away anymore.  That doesn’t mean not to have an open heart, that’s different.

Let me tell you what the paper says and then I’ll explain:  “This is my heart in which I hold all of my love for myself.  I can only love another if I hold onto this.  This is where my power lies, in knowing that I am lovable and loved.  I reclaim it now.  I vow to hold it tenderly, always.”

I wrote that when I had just gotten out of a relationship in which I gave too much.  After that, I had one in which the other person gave too much.  This got me thinking about how when relationships are so unbalanced like that, they never seem to work out.

Can you relate to this?  Have you ever been the person who was giving too much?  The one who, for instance, insisted on paying for everything.  Or the one who let the other person make all the decisions in the relationship.  Or the one who made all the “sacrifices”.  Oooh, I hate that word.  So victim-y!  Or the one who offered almost all the physical affection.  I think you know what I’m getting at.

I’m not saying that everything has to be tit for tat, that if you gave your partner three massages, your partner should give you three massages.  What I am saying is that it’s better if things are not be so unbalanced that you both know who is the giver in the relationship and who is the receiver.  It’s important for both of you to be comfortable in both roles.

Nor am I saying that giving in a relationship is bad.  Not at all.  I’m saying when you are practically the only one giving, that is a red flag that something is wrong in the relationship.  Usually, I think it indicates that you are not feeling worthy.  That you are insecure in the relationship, or all your relationships.  That you feel that you somehow have to earn the other person’s love or affection. That you feel you are not enough without giving and giving and giving.  That you must do something to endear yourself to the other person.

Here’s the thing about that:  you are already lovable simply because of the fact that you are a beautiful soul inside a body.  When you know who you really are, you realize that.  You are part of God(dess) and God(dess) is part of you.  And until you realize that and love yourself just for being you, having a conscious, loving relationship is impossible.

I’m interested to hear what your thoughts are on this.  Do you recognize this pattern in either yourself or another in a current or past relationship?  How do you think that served the relationship, or hindered it?