Cycles in Relationships
All of life is based on cycles. If you really think about it, it’s true. The days and nights, the growth cycle of plants, the seasons, the tides, a woman’s menstrual cycle. Women in general seem to be more in tune with the cycles of life. They tend to go with the flow, and bring themselves into harmony with what is more easily than men. No judgment here. Just stating what is. And as always, I’m talking in general. Of course there are exceptions to every rule.
So how come, if this is true about cycles, that all of life is based on them, we seem to have so much trouble accepting that in relationships things are no different? In other words, how come we expect it to be all up and no down? All togetherness and no separateness? All positive and no negative? We want our relationships to defy the order of the universe? No wonder so many of them are not working!
In particular I want to focus on the issue of togetherness/separateness. Some of us tend to think that the ideal relationship entails both parties spending nearly every waking moment together. There are a number of problems with this, the most basic of which is it goes against the true nature of life. True, we all do have an innate urge to merge, and I don’t just mean physically. Yes, we want to be close physically, to make love, to cuddle, and we also want to be close emotionally. But let’s not ignore the urge to separate. Many of us do, and that creates problems down the road. Sometimes we will even go to extreme unconscious measures just to get a little time and space away from our partners. Many a fight has been picked in order to achieve the unconscious goal of separation.
However, if we do consciously recognize that separation is one of our needs just as much as togetherness, we can avoid these and other problems. We can consciously choose to create it in our lives so we don’t need to choose it unconsciously, or by default.
So here’s an example of what consciously choosing separation looks like. Let’s say it is Saturday morning. You sleep in with your partner, wake up, make love, take showers, and have a leisurely breakfast. That’s a lot of togetherness in one bunch. Now might be a good time for you to reconnect with yourself. Love can make us feel high and ungrounded at times. Ground yourself by meditating, writing in a journal, or doing some exercise on your own. Take some time for you. After that, maybe you have some errands to do on your own or you want to visit a friend. Later on in the day you may want to reconnect with your partner.
Having taken some time for yourself will have benefitted both you and the relationship in a number of ways. First, you had an opportunity to ground yourself. From this place, you are better able to do just about anything. Second, you had an opportunity to have experiences without your partner. This makes for better conversation later on. If you both know every single thing that ever happens in your lives because you spend every moment of them in togetherness, what is there to talk about? You’ll end up like those couples that sit at a restaurant together not saying a word to each other. There is nothing left to say. Third, you had an opportunity to miss your partner. It’s easier to appreciate being with your partner if you also create the experience of being without your partner. And let’s not forget the benefits of connecting with yourself. You tune into your own essence. Who you are, what you want, what you like. After too much togetherness you can start to lose yourself. Then, what do you really have to offer your partner except a mirror image?
Once you reunite with your partner, you can create another experience of closeness. And then the whole cycle starts all over again. Don’t be afraid if your partner desires some time alone. And don’t hesitate to take some time when you need it. We all need time alone and time with others, including our partners. It is not a sign that something is wrong, but rather a sign that we are following our natural rhythms. It is not going to harm your relationship, but strengthen it.
Artie
February 22, 2012 (3:37 am)
Oh yea…cycles……I have mine…..Content….a good one for me…..Creative…..a great cycle…..I love to be creative,and soon I hope to have the space,and tools, to do the work I want to do,when I feel like it….but the downside,is that I can get Compulsive ….hence…..burnout….Depression….It has taken a long time for me to recognize the signals…….Sharing….I love to share,making a good meal,and watch the taste bud smiles,and the giggles…lol….just being there for what is needed…..Loving….I’ll list it as a cycle,because we feel deeper love at times …..ManCave….lol….yes I like my Man Cave,like women that love to chat on the pnone or IM….WONDER….my all time favorite…..
togetherness/separateness……….Couples need their quality time together and apart,with loving trust……..
I see a book, by you, soon….. 😉
Maria Merloni
February 22, 2012 (2:23 pm)
Well yes I think there are more books to come, soon is relative for me. And, are you sure you’re not also talking about yourself?
Chris Graham
February 22, 2012 (12:06 pm)
Once again your writing applies 🙂 One of the downfalls of my marriage was how I became disconnected to my friends and family. Some of it was my wife’s trust issues and some were my own burnout of too many hours of work and little to show for it. I became an isolated wreck. One of the greatest assets in my present relationship is that my girlfriend travels for work and she helps her mother travel back and forth from Florida. I am working on accepting the feeling of being alone which after the divorce became a anxiety provoking affair. Now, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I miss her but enjoy my Me time. When she comes home I can almost be guaranteed passionate sex. I love showing my appreciation for her before and after her trips. Her travels change things up. Time not together also provides opportunity for fresh conversations.
The other special thing about her is she has her circle of male and female friends and she encourages me to spend time with mine. No trust issues! We have common interests and there are things that she does not like to do that my friends love to do. Makes this relationship special!
Maria Merloni
February 22, 2012 (2:24 pm)
Yes it sounds like one of the reasons your relationship works so well is that you have built-in togetherness and separation because of her traveling. Good for both of you! 🙂
Artie
February 22, 2012 (12:41 pm)
Your a lucky man,Chris!!!!!
Chris Graham
February 23, 2012 (3:33 pm)
you don’t know artie 😉
Wendy
February 25, 2012 (12:11 am)
I had this very problem with my second marriage. He was hurt at work and I was laid off. We were together every moment! When would want to go visit a friend ( even if it were female) he would get upset because I was leaving It got to the point that we had nothing more to say to each other.After separating from him and getting into a new relationship, me and my current boyfriend have time together and our own time apart. It works very well and we are both very happy with the way things are going. I agree you need time to miss the other person and time away from each other for things to grow.
Maria Merloni
February 26, 2012 (8:11 pm)
Yes it can get to the point where the other person will start to depend on you for literally everything, and get mad and resentful if you are not there to be their everything. It sounds like that is what happened in your second marriage. Almost like he thought he wasn’t going to be okay if you weren’t there every minute. Glad that now you are a creating a much different experience, and I can tell you are enjoying it much more too!
Mayang
February 28, 2012 (11:25 pm)
I am true believer of time separation. I believe physical and mental separation allows spiritual space for us individually. I never believed that couples, especially married couples, should spend every waking moment together. You become bored with each other and the novelty of the relationship wears off. I like the feeling of missing my partner and wanting him again. But this only happens when we have a time period of separation.