A New Twist on Independence Day

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, aka Independence Day in America.  As I was reading a blog about Independence Day, I thought:  what if we also treated it as Independence Day for our relationships?  A common source of conflicts in intimate relationships is when one partner wants more independence and the other doesn’t want him or her to have it.

I know of a couple in which the wife gets angry and resentful when the husband does something that is good and healthy for him, which is work out three times a week.  This is not an excessive habit on his part.  He’s not doing it seven days a week for four hours each time.  I’m not saying she’s a terrible person for being the way she is.  Heck, I am embarrassed to admit it, but I was once that angry resentful woman.  I am remembering a time when, before I was even married, my then boyfriend and I would usually spend all our weekends together.  I just assumed we would; it was never an overt agreement that we made, we simply did.  One day we were walking into the building where I lived, and my boyfriend’s friend happened to drive by and see us.  He spontaneously asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go golfing, immmediately.  My boyfriend said yes, and I was not happy.  Later, he told me his friend commented that I looked angry.  Sure, an argument could have been made that it would have been considerate of him to check in with me and see how I’d feel if he went off golfing without me.  But the truth is I had issues.

You may be wondering, why the anger?  Here are several reasons why people get angry when their partners assert some independence:  (And, yes, I’m going to be using the female pronoun here because it is more common in women, but make no mistake, it happens with men too!)

1.  She  has no life.  I can honestly say that was a big part of my problem with my boyfriend going off to play golf.  I had structured my life around him.  I spent almost all my free time around him.  I had neglected my friends to the point where they weren’t a regular part of my life anymore.  Big mistake!

2.  She has abandonment issues.  Oh, I am a textbook case so far.  I had those too.  If your partner lost a parent or had an absense of a parent in her life growing up, whether permanently or temporarily, I can almost guarantee she has abandonment issues.  Unless she’s already processed it enough to be over it, but even that too is in degrees.  Some things in life a person never seems to get over all the way.

3.  She is jealous, which boils down to, she doesn’t trust you/is afraid of losing you.  Whew!  I never had that one.  Although it is very common.  Many women, and men too, don’t like their partners being away from them because they think they’ll be up to no good.  I once went out with a group of women I worked with.  One of them, who was married, literally had a curfew.  Her husband insisted that she be home at a certain time.  Believe me, some people live this way!

The healthiest thing for any couple is that they both have time together and recreational time apart, not just work.  This can accomplished by things like, both partners developing friendships and hobbies outside of the realtionship, if the main obstacle is the first one listed above.  This one is probably the easiest fix.  With the other two, either individual or couples counseling/coaching may be necessary to get at the root of the problem.

Have you ever experienced these issues in your own relationship?  What, if anything, has worked for you as a couple to work them out?

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