Just to jog your memory (as if you could forget the details of my fascinating life 😉 ), my primary partner had just had sex with someone else for the first time since we’ve been dating, and I kinda freaked out. Then I cried a lot, he supported me, and I felt better. I had a couple more minor episodes or twinges of jealousy later that week, and since then have felt peace.
I’ve noticed that when there is a major learning/growth opportunity in my relationship, I understand some of it while I’m going through it, and some of it doesn’t come ’til hours, days, or weeks later.
Below are a number of things that I’ve realized, related to this round of learning:
1. The reason I was crying such intense tears of gratitude with my partner is that I was feeling so fully supported and safe in his arms as I allowed myself to just let whatever feeling needed to be expressed to move through my body for as long it took. The first time I ever remember feeling that in my life was when I was also dealing with an abandonment issue from a past lifetime, and that time it was my best friend that held me. I honestly don’t know if I can describe in words just how amazing it feels to be in a space of pure, unconditional love while I am at my “worst”. If you’ve ever experienced it, you already know. If you haven’t, I wish that for you.
2. Through doing what I described above, I am healing my fear of abandonment. I’ve done it with my best friend, my massage therapist, and I did it in an even more profound way with my partner recently. The difference this time was that I was literally allowing myself to be supported by the person that I was afraid was going to abandon me. In a way that is hard for me to explain, it feels like that is the ultimate healing and learning experience for me. It seems to have something to do with the depth of vulnerability it requires. The bigger the vulnerability, the bigger the payoff.
3. Which is not to say that my abandonment issue, which is what I would call my “core wound”- the biggest recurring issue I have- is now totally and completely healed. In fact, I am sorry to be the bearer of this news, and here it is: I don’t believe our core wounds ever exactly go away. It’s more like: the gremlins don’t come out as often, or as intensely, over time and through transformation. And the way we think about them changes for the better. For example, my true understanding now is that I am never alone; I surely did not know that in the past lives or in this life when I was abandoned as a child.
4. I am also healing my insecurities by revealing when they come up and again allowing my partner to be there for me, accepting and supporting me just as I am in all my vulnerability. We all have insecurities. Mine are just more apparent right now because of the level of honesty I am committed to, with myself and others, and my choice to be poly. Ultimately, the learning for me, as it is for all of us, is to learn that I am enough, and that if someone chooses not to be with me, it is not because there is something “wrong” with me. I am not where I want to be on that one either; I am getting there. (And I feel okay with my pace of transformation- it is “enough”!)
5. It is not the best idea for me to see my partner on the same day when he has just had a date with someone else. In this case, I did it because I knew he really wanted to celebrate this milestone event in his life with me. I would not do it again. I think it made things harder on me than they needed to be. In the future, I will wait at least a day.
6. It is also not a good idea to compare one human being to another. Because then someone always has to show up as better and someone as worse. And “better” and “worse” are just myths anyway. If I am trying to determine whether Geico or Liberty Mutual has the cheapest deals on car insurance, I will compare. Otherwise, no.
It is hard for me to understand how your polyamorous lifestyle is successful, just simply reading these posts. It is clear, at least to me, that your insecurities and unhappiness stem from the fact that it is simply not instinctive to be polyamorous, and that perhaps, you are seeking a truly monogamous relationship with this individual. The truth of the matter is that we are always comparing ourselves to one another and this is inevitable. And just as you said in your previous post, all of those insecurities and fears of being in a monogomous relationship come to reality in a polyamorous relationship. So yes, while it makes you feel more free and inspires a completely refreshing experience, it is, at the same time, difficult to maintain. What will happen if someday, either one of you finds another whom to call your primary? How is this relationship feasible in the long term when you cannot even guarantee your security now?
Hi there,
I can understand your confusion, not having lived this lifestyle yourself. I wouldn’t have been able to understand it either, in the past, until I experienced it for myself. What I know is that “security” is an illusion. No one on the planet can guarantee their security. What’s also true is that everyone has some level of jealousy, whether they are in a poly or monogamous relationship.
It is neither instinctive to be polyamorous nor monogamous. In this case, it depends on the person, not the species. Scientific evidence would lead us to believe that we are made to be polyamorous, and yet we all know people who are clearly meant to be monogamous. Those people, I say, have monogamous souls. Rather than look at it as one way is “right” and the other “wrong”, I prefer to see it as what is “right” for me, and what is “right” for you.
And you pose an interesting question about the future. I can tell you that I know of couples where one of both have found someone else they want to be their “primary”, and that it has worked out for them to stay together. I cannot predict what would happen in our relationship, if that situation were to present itself. I plan to keep taking this adventure one day at a time and keep speaking my truth. I trust that under these circumstances, all will be well, however that happens to look.
Maria, thank you for sharing your journey! What an exciting one!!
What stands out for me here as I read this is that you are being emotionally supported, unconditionally, as you move through these transformations. I once had something somewhat similar, but have not experienced that comfort in years and years. As you’ve stated, it is something I also wish for others to have in their lives. It makes me feel happy for you that you are being cared for in this way because it is so special, with someone special, at a really unique and thrilling time in your life that is marked with ups and not-so-much-ups. Namaste, my love.
You are so welcome. Although ti is scary at times, I get so much joy from sharing my journey here. And I’m glad to hear that you, too, know what that pure unconditional love feels like! ♥