“Full Catastrophe” Dating- Part II
So, when I left off, I had just had a big reveal about all the fears and insecurities that came up for me when my primary partner had set up a date with “Emily”. The crying that I did after the revealing, and the way my partner so expertly held space for me, resulted in my feeling just fine about the date when the day of it came. There was none of the panic I had when he had gone on the date with Jane; we’ve both come a long way since then.
He texted me afterward that he’d had a “lovely afternoon” on his date, which sounded to me like nothing much physically had happened between them. (Emily hadn’t made any promises.)
My partner and I had made tentative plans for me to come out to his house that evening; there was a show that we’ve been wanting to see together , forever, and since the stars were finally aligning for it to happen, I came out. On the way to the show, we started talking and it became apparent to me that I hadn’t realized just how lovely his afternoon had been…as I mentioned before, they did have sex. He hadn’t been trying to hide that fact at all. It was probably my denial that kept me from knowing sooner. I noticed that this hit me kinda hard at first; I was feeling sad and scared. And also, he was so obviously happy about it that I couldn’t help but feel happy for him as well. (Yes, it is possible to feel multiple, conflicting feelings all at the same time, or at least in quick succession.)
I was soon distracted with the show (which was amazing) and dinner afterward, and again felt pretty okay with the whole him-having-sex-with-Emily thing…until we arrived back at his house. The first thing that happened was that he pulled out a plate of chocolate covered strawberries, the same thing he’d given Emily. I said I was really too full from dinner to have any, and that was true. But…
Then we went up into his room, and it was neat as a pin. Mind you, I’m not saying he’s a slob, but I hadn’t seen his room looking quite that good in at least weeks, possibly months.
And, lastly, I saw evidence of the fact that they’d had sex. Even bigger deal.
Things started to spin around in my head. Things that are embarrassing to speak about, and also totally necessary if I want to be completely transparent in my relationship, which I do: “well, he never made chocolate covered strawberries for me before” , and “he doesn’t clean his room this thoroughly for me.” Oh boy, I thought, here we go again….
Being the good revealer that I am, I shared honestly about all the ups and downs I’d had all day and evening long. He was great about hearing me, and accepting all of it, and then we shut off the light to go to sleep.
As I lay there trying to fall asleep, I realized I was not going to sleep; I was going to cry. I told my partner that I couldn’t even explain why exactly, but that I just needed to cry for a while. And he held me while I cried for what seemed like a long time. I was crying about the fear of abandonment that is not new for me, based in present and past life experiences. And I was crying to express the part of me that was sad about my partner having sex with someone else, and that it was bothering me as much as it was. And then I got to this place of feeling so solidly held, supported and safe in his arms that I began crying tears of joy.
When I could finally speak again, I shared all of that with him. Then I truly was ready for sleep. I felt happy and peaceful and so, so grateful.
There’s a lot to tell. I’m still not done. Tune in next week to hear more about all the realizations, learning, and growth I had from just this one experience, and how they may apply to you and your relationships, polyamorous or monogamous!