Transparency- The Sexiest Thing on the Planet
My recent blogs about communication have spurred a great discussion with one of my readers. (Incidentally, some people prefer to respond to my blogs privately, and if it would make you more comfortable to do the same, please do.)
You know how I was talking about “hintish”, the language that women speak when they communicate something in their very indirect way? Well, this reader has come up with the name of another language, one that both men and women use frequently when in relationship with each other. It’s called speaking “palatable”. Here’s my reader’s definition of it: “creating an initial version of what we want to say, a version that we think will be accepted better than the complete truth.”
I believe that if most of us were honest with ourselves, we would admit to having spoken that language with past or present partners in our lives. I know I have. And I know my partners have as well.
It’s not lying, exactly. It’s just not revealing the whole truth. And it’s based in fear. Fear of the other person’s response and, ultimately, fear of rejection and abandonment.
Transparency, however, is revealing the whole truth. Transparency is holding nothing back. And transparency builds intimacy. Intimacy is closeness with your partner. And when we are in integrity, when we know that we are being transparent with our partners, and that our partners are being transparent with us, that is a huge turn-on. We can sleep very well at night (after having the great S.E.X. that transparency brings on) because there is no concealing on either part.
Before embarking on any commitment to transparency in your relationship, you may want to know that there are, in my opinion, a few prerequisites.
Namely, you cannot be in an abusive relationship if you want to practice transparency safely. And I mean any type of abuse- physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual.
Prerequisite #2 is this: You must both be willing to take 100% responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings and to let your partner do the same. So, that would mean, for example, that when your partner reveals something that is difficult for you to hear, you do not blame your partner for “making you” feel a certain way. Nor do you allow yourself to take responsibility for how your partner feels as a result of anything that you have revealed. It requires a certain level of maturity and consciousness to pull this off.
Number three is a sticking point for some. You must both be willing to be uncomfortable at times. You must both be open to hearing anything your partner wants to express, as long as it is done kindly and respectfully. Be warned: this may involve running the gamut of all possible human emotions, both “good” and “bad.” If that’s a tough one for you, keep this in mind: no feeling lasts forever. They’re all temporary. Until the next time ;).
And finally, there must be trust. Your must trust that your partner wants to hear your true thoughts, feelings, and desires because they love you and want you to feel safe and happy. And you must trust in the Universe- that no matter what happens, it’s all good in the end. Because at least you will have yourself, will not have lost yourself in your attempt to control your partner. Face it, control is just an illusion anyway!
I have never, in all my personal and professional experience, seen a case when, once the dust has settled, someone truly regretted speaking their truth. Make no mistake, this transparency thing is not for the faint of heart- and the rewards are great!