Sympathy Sex
Many of us are, unfortunately, familiar with it, especially if we’ve been married. Sympathy sex, as it’s called, is the sex that we have out of a feeling of obligation to our partners. We have sympathy for their desire to have sex, even when we don’t want to, so we give in.
It’s also sometimes called “taking one for team”. I don’t recommend it, both for the sake of your personal well being and the well being of your relationship.
Some of you may be aware that in the “old days” men literally bought women on auction. What most people don’t know is that the practice of the woman taking the man’s name in our society actually stems from that tradition. The change in the last name indicated ownership. As part of that ownership, there were certain rights afforded the man. One of those was the right to have sex with his wife.
Even though that tradition of owning a woman is no longer in practice, many of us continue to behave as if it were. We feel that being married, or even in a committed relationship, brings with it a sexual obligation. It can go both ways. I have used the example of the woman being obligated to have sex with the man, but in some cases it’s the man who feels obligated.
The truth is, there is no rule book in the sky that says if you are in a relationship or a marriage you have a sexual obligation of any kind. God(dess) did not say it either. Marriage and all relationships are what we choose to make them. Many times the feeling of sexual obligation is what we as a society have chosen.
But what happens with things that are seen as obligations? We naturally don’t want to do them, right? I remember when I was trying to get pregnant. My partner and I had scientifically determined that the best chances of my becoming pregnant would come from us having sex every forty-eight hours. So, like clockwork, we had sex every forty-eight hours. I do remember after the first time or two of this type of sex, I had no desire to have it. And believe me when I tell you, that is unlike me! (Thank Goddess, I was very fertile, and it didn’t take long for me to get pregnant!)
What I’m getting at here is that when we feel obligated to do anything, it can start to feel like a chore rather than a pleasure. So perhaps we may want to un-bind our partners and ourselves from obligatory sex and get back to sex being how it was meant to be- a beautiful gift to be shared when we are both inspired to do that.
If one or both partners doesn’t want to have sex, I recommend that they tell each other where they are at rather than force themselves to do it when they don’t want to. A simple “I’m not feeling connected right now” will do. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. That will make it more likely that the person will want to have sex, will have a genuine desire to have sex, in the near future.
If this becomes a chronic issue, like if you haven’t had sex for months, this may be a time to seek help from a therapist or life coach. Perhaps there are some underlying issues getting in the way. Certainly, though, realizing that providing sex for your partner, or vice versa, is not part of an unwritten obligation, is a very good place to start in any healthy sexual relationship.
Chris Graham
February 17, 2012 (11:04 pm)
I believe you when you tell me…
Maria Merloni
February 18, 2012 (4:28 pm)
hahaha so smart of you!
Artie
February 18, 2012 (3:25 am)
I have found sympathy sex,sometimes turn around and be great…..but for the most part…..it sucks…..an unresponsive partner,who says, are you almost done yet”,spoils the whole mood….
Maria Merloni
February 18, 2012 (4:32 pm)
I have never had that experience, not with what I would call “true” sympathy sex. If it is a matter of one partner needing a little encouragement to get in the mood, because they’re tired for instance, then I could see it turning out great on occasion. Good topic here of determining when is ‘no’ really ‘no’- or not. I would say that really forcing oneself to have sex when you don’t want to is never a good idea and can actually be damaging to the individuals and the relationship.
Chris Graham
February 18, 2012 (2:05 pm)
Resistance on either part is very important to pick up on. There are times though when one partner wants sex and the other not so much but then as some arousal occurs it is more of a release of pent up energy that feels good for both. Just my experience!
Maria Merloni
February 18, 2012 (4:34 pm)
I agree. So, as I was saying below, I think there’s a process of really checking in and getting a clear yes or no to sex at any given time. Sometimes a no can change to a yes, legitimately.
Chris Graham
February 18, 2012 (10:40 pm)
yes checking in is important
Artie
February 18, 2012 (11:26 pm)
I agree,also,to check in.
Mayang
February 28, 2012 (11:16 pm)
I know the experience of sexual obligation very well. It is not a good way to practice sex in a marriage nor in any relationship. Those feelings of obligation usually turns into feelings of resentment. I began to feel resentful towards my partner because I was not enjoying the sexual experience anymore but I continued to give in because I believed it was a marital obligation.
Day
March 17, 2012 (11:08 pm)
How long in a relationship do you go with out vnaihg sex?*no more than a wkIs sex that important in a relationship?*absolutely importantWhat if you were vnaihg sex with your partner before you became a couple, but after the sex stop, how would you feel?*very hurt to start Do you feel if your partner isn92t vnaihg sex with you, they are vnaihg sex with someone else?*depends.What does it mean if you partner says no sex because 93we are there yet94?Do you feel lonely in your relationship without sex?*hell yes!What if there is NO intimacy at all, what should you do?*ask why, can it be fixed, if not them leaveIs the problem caused by your partner talking only bout SEX. Everything revolves around SEX?*hey it’s important, so why not talk about it?Could it be because you & / Or your partner don92t feel good about their body?*yesIs it because sex between you and your partner is WACK?*maybe but that would be found out in the first few sessions wouldn’t it?Could it be your sexual education is way lower than your partner or vise versa?lol. Education? how about drive? sometimes ppls drives change and you and your partner aren’t on the same sex page and that’s okay. Choices are either stay and work it out, not work it out and or leave it alone and keep it movingWhat if your partner is not able to rise to the occasion, do you up and leave?*it’s understandable that one of the partners will just not be able to rise up for the occasion, it happens. However, if it’s repeatedly, then somethings up and should be addressed.If your the one holding out, what is it that your partner needs to do to help correct this issue?*sexual blackmail is just wrong no matter which partner is holding out. Why bother being in a relationship if someone tries to control the other one by holding out? Why does the holdee feel they can treat their partner with this type of action? Holding out is the act of power tripping, imho
F
April 20, 2013 (4:53 am)
Months? Try weeks. If months go by without sex, that is one out of tune couple, or maybe they just don’t like sex. I think people slowly degrade into their own private slumps. It happens so gradually it’s tough to notice. Maybe people get too comfortable with one another, in so doing they make the relationship boring by falling into their own little private slumps with ridiculous expectations and sub par communication.
Maria Merloni
April 22, 2013 (12:10 pm)
Well, yes that would be one out of tune couple. I’m sure you know, not only do some couples go months without sex, they go years without sex. And yes I do agree that couples’ relationships deteriorate gradually, without their even noticing at first. All the more reason to make sure we cherish our partners every day and stay conscious, so that hopefully these experiences we’re talking about do not occur.