Even in My Snowsuit
I am forever changed.
I just returned from a Tantra retreat in Puerto Rico.
I went fully into my Divine Feminine and received. I opened.
For years now I have been what I call a “twitcher”. I don’t know how long, exactly; a very long time. When I am turned on- and I don’t just mean by S.E.X., I twitch. It starts somewhere in my core and branches out.
My twitching has been happening more and more, progressively, over the years. From present experiences, from memories, from looking at food, from eating food, from expressing deep emotion, from hearing truth spoken, from making out, from expressing my love through my sexual connection with others. It is my receiving of and running of life force energy through my body. Life force energy is sexual energy. That’s all that exists. It is the orgasmic state of the Universe, that which flows from God/dess and never stops.
This trip, I opened to it at new levels. I went to do yoga on the beach in the mornings. When I looked up at the palm trees, I received their orgasmic energy. When I felt the wind, I received it. I dropped all my fear, all my resistance, and was able to fully receive it. One day at the end of class, I felt called by the ocean. She called me to her, and greeted me, and I stood before her and received her energy. I accepted her invitation to merge with her. We love each other. She was so beautiful and green-blue and warm and welcoming. I slowly walked in and received her divine love. I’m twitching right now thinking about it.
On the last two days, I finally landed on what was really happening: I was so fully open, I was allowing myself to be fucked by the Universe. In the best possible way.
While I was there, I spent my time naked, indoors and outdoors at the beautiful seaside mansion we were in. That was part of my opening. Being naked among my fellow travelers in the spiritual/sexual realms. It was more than being naked for me. It was me being willing to be fully seen, body and soul. In all my vulnerability. And I have a knowing that my nakedness was part of what made me able to open so much. And to co-create the many sacred and beautiful experiences I had there.
So on the last day, I was resistant to putting on clothes…more than usual I mean. 😉 I realize now I was afraid of losing what I had found. I put on just my sarong at first, and then just that plus a bathing suit bottom when I walked on the beach and went to lunch. I took the sarong off when I got in the van to go back to the airport. And then put on lycra shorts and tanktop for the airport. It was painful to put on a sweatshirt. My partners and friends were teasing me about it, yet for me, it was a real grief process. I finally compromised and put my sarong on as a skirt when we landed in Boston and went out in the snow and freezing temperatures. Just….couldn’t…put…on…pantsssss.
And then I woke up the next day and shared my truth with one of my deep soul sisters, that I had been scared to put on clothes, for fear of losing that feeling of being in essence. As I sat there with her (okay, I was mostly naked, but I had panties on and I had worn real clothes the night before), I realized I was home in MA and still feeling blown wide open. I realized I couldn’t lose that feeling, no matter what. I can experience it, yes, when I’m naked. And, yes, I can experience it with clothes on. I cannot lose it. It is who I am. I am love. We laughed and she said “even in your snowsuit”. And she was right.
I probably twitched then. I don’t know. I was so in the moment of full opening to love, I don’t remember.