To Be or Not to Be…Monogamous

Over the past year or so, I have been seriously looking at the idea that perhaps monogamy is not our natural state. In my life, I have rarely been monogamous, even when I had consciously intended to be. And it seems that the world is filled with such stories. Why are the infidelity rates so high? Is it because we are a people with very little integrity, or perhaps because trying to force ourselves into a monogamous mold is against our true nature?

In the animal kingdom, it seems that monogamy is a very rare thing. For example, scientists long touted the heartwarming fidelity of birds, until DNA testing became available. Now we know, if the eggs in most birds’ nests are tested for genetics, guess what? Several different fathers.

So, what would make us think that we are so different in this way from all the animal species out there? Where did this idea come from? It’s only been in recent centuries that the idea of a monogamous marriage, for example, came into vogue. Marriage came about, by the way, as a way to legalize inheritance of property. The first male would become the legal heir after the father’s death. But even then, it was generally accepted that the husband and wife would be allowed to discreetly have other partners. These days, we all know that the only generally accepted option is that the two be completely monogamous. In fact, most of our religions tell us that is the only “holy” way.

But did God really intend for us to be monogamous? Or, are we here to love more than one? Is our love really that limited, that there is only enough for one other? Do we say the same about our friendships- ‘oh, I already have a friend, I can’t have another’? Well, I propose that it is equally preposterous to suggest that we can only have one loving partner.

What I’m suggesting is that we really look at where this idea of monogamy came from, did it really come from Source, or did it, as many of the concepts in religion, come from man? Don’t forget, man has ego (read: agenda), Source doesn’t.

I’m not saying that it would be easy to change the whole paradigm. I know there is such thing as jealousy. I know there are complications in a polyamorous lifestyle. And I don’t think, as a friend recently suggested, that polyamory (loving more than one) is the easy way out. On the contrary, actually. I think it takes an enormous amount of maturity, spiritual enlightenment, and communication to pull it off. And I would put polyamory in the same category as a lot of other things that take some effort to achieve- challenging, but with so many benefits.

What do you think? Do you think there could be some validity in this way of thinking? How has monogamy or polyamory been working for you?

12 Replies to "To Be or Not to Be...Monogamous"

  • Kris
    December 3, 2011 (12:14 am)

    Congratulations on the new blog. I look forward to being stimulated.

    As far as the question, I think it’s very individual. I know without a shadow of a doubt it wouldn’t work for me. I know this as an energy worker as well as a husband. I love being with just one person. I love exploring the potential of our relationship and having new experiences based on going to a new level within the relationship rather than by having a different experience with someone else.

    But my experience is based on being with my soul mate. We have worked and lived together for 24 years. Our joke is that working with your spouse is like dog years. So we have been married about 168 years.

    But back to the question, my sense is that there are several things at play.

    First, it goes back to trying to constantly get the rush of our first sexual experience. Even more to the point, it’s that we were young and everything was new and life had more possibilities because we were just starting out. As we age, we have tried more things already and there are fewer new adventures. So there is a turning to new relationships to try and capture that feeling of youth and newness. There is a desire to recreate that rush. Since I have not gone down that path I can’t comment on how well it actually works and if it’s satisfying.

    Second is that it’s much harder to experience something new with a person you know well in an existing relationship than it is to have a new experience because you are with a new person. The problem is that the new relationships start off at a lower level than the mature relationship. So even though you are having new experiences, you aren’t going to new levels within yourself and the relationship. The people I know who have taken the path of multiple and simultaneous relationships tend to plateau until they get into a committed, long-term relationship and the people who are deeply committed to each other appear to go to very deep levels. The stronger the commitment the deeper they go.

    Again, everyone is different. It will be interesting to hear what others have experienced.

    • Maria Merloni
      December 3, 2011 (2:24 pm)

      Hi Kris,

      Thank you, I am very excited about my new blog! And you have the honor of being the first person to respond to a blog here!

      I also appreciate your thoughtful comments, above.

      What I have recently learned from asking a question about this during a channeling session with my Spirit Guides is that the majority of our souls come the planet with the intention of being polyamorous (although many of those souls’ personalities do not make that choice once we get here). The rest of us come here with the intention of being monogamous. I’d say based on what you said that you just happen to be one of those souls that falls into the latter category.

      I look forward to hearing from you more in the future, thanks for writing!


  • MoninMA
    December 3, 2011 (4:44 pm)

    I have been trying for some time now to understand how someone who has found their soul mate and has fallen in love can still want to engage in polyamory. I can understand it if one is in a relationship anything less than that but once it has reached the soul mate level; I just can’t wrap my head around it, or more importantly my heart.

    I am the monogamous one in such a relationship. My monogamy is my choice because I have truly found the love of my life and my desire, sexually anyways, for anyone else has ceased to exist. Sure I find people attractive and can even fantasize about what sex with them might be like BUT, I know I would only think of my soul mate should I choose to engage in a physical intimate relationship with another person. My mate has told me to engage otherwise but I just have no desire to do so.

    When my mate (who by the way feels the same for me and displays the fact that she does), engages in intimacy with another person, I feel that it takes away from our sexual relationship and our spiritual loving relationship. It’s like a chip in a windshield, so to speak (or a helicopter falling on a house sometimes). I keep imagining her in the middle of a passionate kiss (or more) and think, how on earth could she not be thinking of me. And then of course I wonder, what is it that she is not getting from me? I ask and she says, not a thing.

    I have been through a lot in my life, the death of a parent, a divorce, drug addiction in my family, and have gotten through it all. This one, for some reason is torturing me, and I am afraid if it continues I will have to walk away just to save my own self.

    I heard a song once that said, “I didn’t pull the trigger, but I’m doing the time”. That’s how this whole thing makes me feel. For the first time in my life I can actually physically feel my heart ache when these events happen or when I dwell on them.

    I will continue to do everything I can to understand because this woman is so awesome and I cannot imagine my life without her. Thanks for this website Maria. I hope to learn from it and others.

    I am really a very open person and enjoy all types of people. I am not bound by any religious beliefs or societal pressures. I actually like to be the “wild” one or the one who will tempt to be different. I just fell deep and don’t want intimacy with anyone else anymore (unless she’s there too, LOL).

    In closing, I feel blessed to be in this relationship. I really don’t know if anyone I know has ever been loved like I am by this woman. It is such an awesome feeling…

    • Maria Merloni
      December 3, 2011 (11:16 pm)

      Hi Monin MA,

      And again you are in that minority of people it sounds like, who soul is quiet monogamous. I never recommend that anyone engage in any sexual activity they don’t want to, So clearly you are making the right choice not to take your partner’s suggestion to be with others.

      Is it possible for someone with a monogamous soul to understand what it’s really like to be polyamorous? I don’t know. But coming from someone who is, I suggest you take the leap of faith and just believe that when your partner says she is missing nothing from you, believe her!

      The desire for polyamory does not come from a void that needs to be fulfilled but rather from the desire of the soul.

      Thanks for blogging with us here a!


  • Wendy
    December 4, 2011 (9:41 pm)

    For me I know that monogamy is not the way. On my second marriage and now separated I am starting too see that I am not the monogamous kind. My first marriage was a open one, we allowed others into our lives and our bedroom. I was married to him for sixteen and a half years and out of that eleven years were spent as an open marriage. I was always committed to him and never strayed. We had a deep understanding of each other and although yes it created some complications at times it worked for us. Ultimately, the marriage ended because of emotional and mental abuse on his behalf. My second marriage was a monogamous one. Before getting married we were together for three years, and married for a little over a year before we separated. I would have to say that a little while after we had married I began to have doubts. It was in the summer and a couple of co workers (one male and one female) and myself had gone out to a club. While dancing with them both I found myself very attracted to both of them. My husband already knowing that I am attracted to both men and women was very jealous knowing that I was going out with my co workers. But knowing I was married and in a monogamous relationship did not act on my attraction. As time went on we slipped in to a mundane routine. A lot had changed in our relationship including the intimacy. I no longer felt a connection when we were having sex. One night I went to visit an old friend that I had not seen in over seventeen years and there was an immediate connection between the two of us and we became intimate that night. This is not to say that it was right in some peoples eyes but to me it felt right. There was no guilt and at that moment I knew I was not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. I no longer knew who I was anymore. Now that we are separated I am finding that I enjoy the company of numerous people, truly enjoying life, and finding who I am.

    • Maria Merloni
      December 5, 2011 (5:09 pm)

      HI Wendy,

      Thank you for sharing your experience. For you, it sounds like you needed to explore different options in order to land on what works for you. That is not surprising, since the messages in our society tell us one thing and in your case an inner voice was telling you something else. I’m glad you have clarity now!

      Thanks for writing, and best to you,


  • Tony Bogardus
    January 30, 2012 (11:50 pm)

    As with many things, polyamory is not for everyone (nor is monogamy, for that matter)….Having experienced both for substantial segments of my life, I know for certain that monogamy is not desirable (or likely possible) for me anymore. I have known quite a few people who have successfully overcome the obstacles to living a polyamorous life, but it is not an easy thing to accomplish, largely due to societal paradigms and attitudes. For someone who has been fortunate enough to find his or her ‘soulmate,’ and is able to get everything they need from that one partner, I say ‘Bravo,’ and I might even be the slightest bit envious of such a connection. But the reality is that very few of us achieve such a lofty goal, and it can be quite frustrating and futile to spend one’s life in search of such relationship nirvana. Time constraints, life’s stresses, and the imperfections of ourselves and others conspire to render this a nearly-impossible task.

    For me, the idea is to find a ‘primary’ partner with whom I share a deep, abiding bond, and then for each of us to supplement the relationship with however many other relationships are necessary (or desired) to fill in the blanks. While I have not yet achieved this goal, either, I am hoping that this site, this blog, and the people that I meet as I explore it might end up contributing to the ‘happy ending’ that I know is possible!

    I look forward to continuing discussions and exploration….


    • Maria Merloni
      January 31, 2012 (2:02 pm)

      Well, yes I’d have to say that you are one of the majority of souls who intended to be polyamorous this time around on the planet. And good for you for realizing it and for being willing to speak your truth about it! If what you described is your soul’s true desire and you set the intention to create it, and keep visualizing it and imagining it, you WILL achieve it! So glad to have you here chatting on the subject!

  • Tony Bogardus
    August 29, 2012 (1:54 am)

    I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading this blog post, and the subsequent responses (including my own – haha!)….As I have now decided to actively investigate this lifestyle choice, it was great to revisit this entry, and it really has me excited for some of the things I’m going to be trying and looking into in the coming days/months/years!

    • Maria Merloni
      August 30, 2012 (8:10 pm)

      Rock on, my fellow adventurer! 🙂

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