The Intimacy of Kink

In recent discussions, with both myself 😉 and others, I’ve noticed that there’s a general assumption that lovemaking is lovemaking and kink is kink. There’s an implication that real intimacy, real connection, only happens with vanilla sex: that “lovemaking” is the only sex that involves love, and it has to be sloooow, with lots of looking into each other’s eyes, and whispering, and seriousness about the whole thing.  Anybody know what I’m talking about?

And no, I’m going to have to say that I quite disagree with this point of view.  That in fact, some of the most connected, intimate, even LOVING sex I have ever had is kinky sex.

Can kink be practiced casually?  Yes.  Do people have kinky “play partners” that they only see once in a while, or even once in a lifetime? Yes.

Does that mean it’s not an intimate act?  Hell no, not to me.

First off, in order to be comfortable with a kinky partner, there must be trust.  An example: I did some kinky play at a club a couple months ago with someone I had never played with before.  I had met my potential partner several times, and we’d had intimate discussions about personal things.  Yet when it came to actually having a lot of experience with each other as human beings in any context, we were still fairly new.

So what does this kind of thing require?  A certain amount of trust? For sure.  I used my prior experience with her plus my conversation with her prior to our kinky time together to check in and see if I trusted her enough to engage in this act together.  It was to be fairly tame, like I would hurt her in various ways, and there was nothing to say that it would go any farther, yet still- there’s a level of trust that has to be there on both sides in order for even something at this level to occur.

Had this person been someone reliable and predictable around me in the past? Yes.  Did I notice that she tends to leave a trail of drama everywhere she goes?  No.  Is she experienced with kink? Yes.  Are we agreeing on the terms of what we would like to do with each other?  Yes.  So, do I trust her enough to do this together?  Yes. Does she trust me enough to do this together? Yes.

So, there’s trust.  Trust builds intimacy.  Intimacy builds trust.

And then there’s love.  When I am in a “top” role, I can say that it is ALL love.  Love in every ounce of pain I dish out.  Love in every kiss I place on the hurt parts, in every caress, every slap. For I know the pleasure it ALL brings.  And I know the intention behind it.

And in a “bottom” role, I receive all that love.  It is the life force energy, which is love, running through each of us, that gets dispensed.

It is love that leaves bruises.  It is love that cuts off breath.  It is loves that bites down on flesh.  It is love that ties ropes.

And in this case, it’s a special kind of love.  It’s a love that dares to go THERE.  To our deepest places of longing, to give and receive pain, or bondage, or whatever type of love we have mutually agreed to exchange.  Love in the actions.  Love in the intensity.  Love in the staring gaze of one being submissive, perhaps with hand over mouth, or hand on throat, yet still able to see into the eyes of their lover.  Love in the eyes of the one being dominant, a little crazed perhaps, but crazed only with passion, only with the deepest respect, the deepest trust that this partner will receive only what they can bear, and that they will be responsible for themselves, for their yeses and nos, to the best of their ability.

That kind of trust, going in both directions, is a gift.  THAT kind of love builds intimacy.