He Slept With “Jane”…
...and I am fine.
Some of you who have been following my blog right along already know who Jane is. She's the woman I gave the fake name to that my partner did some withholding about. That triggered the f*ck out of me for various reasons in the past.
Things had been quieter for a bit between her and my boyfriend, until they weren't again. And then one day, about a month ago, she came over to his house for a pre-planned date, and they had sex. And I decided to handle the whole thing differently this time....
The Big Projection
Do you know what projection is? Being a therapist and life coach, I see it often. It is the unconscious defense mechanism that people use when they take some part of themselves, project it onto someone else, and notice it in the other.
Lately, it's been coming to me more and more how much religion is based on projection. I will speak about this in terms of Christianity, which is the realm of religions I know best, having been raised Catholic.
Let's take a look at a few of these projections:...
On Female Bisexuality
Just the other day I had yet another conversation with a friend who said: "I used to think I was a lesbian." I can't tell you how many women my age have told me that same thing. And I can relate, because there was a period of time during which I thought I was a lesbian, too. What appears to be true about me all the women I know who've had this experience is that they are in fact bisexual, not lesbians. But back in the days when women my age were discovering their sexuality, bisexuality was much less talked about or acknowledged. It was either you were straight or you were gay....
My Latest Adventure, Part III
When I left off, my partner and I had just agreed to wait to talk again, as we had both been really angry the night before. The next morning we were both feeling ready to talk again. We created sacred space, and got to it. I won't bore you with the details, but we had another round of conversation, which in many ways was a repeat of the first one on this topic. Again, not realizing that I was still feeling like a victim, making him the villain, I thought we could resolve some things. Eventually, he told me that he felt he'd reached the limit of his ability to continue talking in a productive way, and we stopped. There was no rejoicing and no make-up sex, and he was leaving to go on a brief trip later that week....
My Latest Adventure, Part II
So there we were, still at this weekend event with tons of attractive women all around my partner, and I was trying my best to get un-triggered and get back to having fun. It wasn't long, though, before something else happened that brought up all my fears and insecurities again. And it was inevitable, because I was really not done processing this issue.
A woman I've never heard of before got my partner alone and invited him to walk outside with her . He was extremely flattered and happy about this, although he told her he couldn't. This was because I was already ...
My Latest Adventure
It's been a while since I've written about my latest adventures in polyamory .(Or should I say "hybrid non-monogamy"? Please read my last post called "The Purification of Swinging" for more info!) My primary partner and I had been moving along quite nicely with little to no drama (yay!)- until recently....
Let me set the scene for you, as it is important to the story. We were recently at a weekend event in which my boyfriend had a lot of responsibility. He wasn't really available for the usual amount of frolicking that we have been accustomed to enjoying together. During this very same weekend, it was as if there were a sign taped to him saying: "I'm hot, available, and interested in you!" And the women saw the sign. To the point that I more or less had to wait in line just to speak to my partner. And during two consecutive dinners, one of these women plopped herself down next to him (two different women on two different nights) and proceeded to chat him up....
The Purification of Swinging
Over the last year or so, having been involved in the "polyamory" community in the Boston, MA area, I have made some observations about the use of terms commonly used to describe non-monogamy. I have looked up some definitions (below) on Wikipedia, just so that we're all on the same page:
Non-monogamy- "a blanket term which covers several types of interpersonal relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual or romantic bonds."
Polyamory- "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."
Swinging- "a non-monogamous behavior, in which singles or partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity."...
8/13/13 Was a Big Day!
It was the day I committed to fulfilling my life purpose in the world. It was the day I said my "Sacred Yes", as my friend and colleague Johanna Lyman calls it.
Sure, I have said it before, not knowing that I really didn't mean it.
Are you ready for some straight talk?...
Here’s to More Skin!
Last week I got back from Spain. My daughter and I visited our exchange student and her mom, and while we were there we explored a bit of the country. We hit a number of beaches, both in Spain and in France (which was so nearby we couldn't resist going.)
It was my first "real" time out of the U.S. I had been to Canada and Mexico before, and to various tropical islands, but never to Europe. And I'll tell ya, I loved it! So much so that I think my daughter was offended by the number of times I pointed out all the things that were "better" in Spain than in America.
One of those things was the apparent comfort the Europeans have with their bodies. ...
On Intensity
From the time I was in college, I remember people using the word "intense" to describe me. In fact, the first time (that I know of) was when my college professor told my internship supervisor something along these lines: "The problem with Maria is that she's so intense." And then the supervisor told me what he said. It reminded me of that Sound of Music scene when the nuns sing that song "How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" Sheesh. How insulting!
I've since learned to take it a little more lightly when people tell me I'm intense. In fact, my boyfriend more or less said I was intense on our first date when I was grilling him about his spiritual beliefs, to see if they matched mine. In a very polite way, he pretty much said: "Back off, sister!" And I have since admitted that in fact I know I am intense sometimes.
What I hadn't learned about being intense, however, was that intensity is actually a form of resistance. ...