The Sacredness of Kink

Yes, you heard me right.  Kink is sacred.

Well, let me back up a minute.  For those of you who don’t know what “kink” is.  Think “Fifty Shades of Grey”, minus the abusive, traumatized sociopath.  Okay- bad example ;).  Think BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism).  Think dom and sub (dominant and submissive).  Got it?

Okay, so here’s the thing.  Some people, including mental health professionals and even those who say they specialize in sacred sexuality, think kink is abusive.  Let’s clear this up.  SOME people, such as the fictional Christian Grey, use BDSM as a means to abuse another.  I suppose a person could use anything at all to inflict abuse.  That PERSON is being abusive, if that’s the case.  It’s not that BDSM is an abusive practice.

In truth, kink requires a high degree of integrity, honesty, and trust, to be done in the most conscious way.

First off, there has to be consent.  This means that there is (sometimes a lot of) discussion beforehand, about things like STI’s, safer sex, what is/is not within bounds, and “safe words”.  Safe words are code words agreed upon ahead of time that mean, for the sub:  a) I’m getting close to my tolerance level of pain, choking, or whatever it may be and b) Back off, brother/sister.  I need you to stop that NOW.  Typical safe words are “yellow” and “red”, as in traffic lights.  And, if something unexpected or not previously discussed might happen, the initiator would then ask before doing, unless there has been a blanket statement, like, “you have my permission to do whatever you want to me.”

Here’s the other thing about kinky sex that many people don’t know, consciously at least:  it is a practice of exploring our Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine.  The “dom” in any given case is in his/her masculine essence.  The “sub” is in his/her feminine essence.  Notice I did not assign any gender in particular to either role.  Although men typically play masculine roles in our society, they can just as easily be submissive with a kinky partner.  Likewise, a woman can play a dominant role even though we tend to think of women as being more submissive.  (In fact, sometimes people crave one role or the other in their sexual lives because it IS a radical departure from their usual roles.  It can be experienced as freeing and very sexy!) And, no matter our sex or sexual orientation, we all have the capacity to switch from masculine to feminine or vice versa at different times in our lives and sexy encounters.

The very essence of kink, therefore, reflects who we are as the sons and daughters of God/dess.  IT- Spirit- (not he or she) contains both, masculine and feminine energies.  We, as human beings, do also, as there is nothing else for us to BE than God/dess.

And it gets even more beautiful that that.  Let’s say I’m a sub and you’re a dom.  As a sub, I get to trust you so completely that I allow you to, say, physically restrain me, do things that cause me pain in various ways, restrict my breathing, assert your dominance in general. Go crazy on me.  (Remember that expression “there is a fine line between pleasure and pain”? It exists for a reason!)  This does NOT mean there is a lack of respect between us.  It actually means the opposite.

You, on the other hand, as the dom, get to let loose on me, to express your sexual energy, (aka your life force energy) in a way that does not require you to hold back-within whatever limits exist.  I as the sub am allowing you full expression of your crazy, sexual self onto my crazy, sexual self.  I am incredibly turned on by the degree to which I can simply let go and BE with the experience you are providing for me.  YOU are incredibly turned on by the degree to which I am able to trust allow you to let loose on me, and by how good it feels to DO that.

And I am not the only one who needs a deep level of trust.  You, as the dom, need to trust me to know my limits, be honest about what is/is not okay with me, and to tell me the moment something becomes not okay.

Yes, this kind of “play”, as it is called, can result in lasting marks on the sub.  Rope indentations, bruises, bite marks, and more.  Those marks, again, are NOT evidence of abuse.  Rather, they serve to delight both parties, as a reminder of the intensely trusting, primal expression of energetic (and, if we’re lucky, physical) penetration and receptivity we have co-created.  And, yes, of the sacredness of our shared time together.