On Self-Trust

Before we can trust another, we must trust ourselves.  If we have made decisions that we regret, betrayed ourselves by not being in our power, or had other experiences that didn’t go well in our lives, chances are- even if we don’t know it- somewhere inside there lies a belief that we ourselves are not trustworthy.  Until recently, I was suffering from this “condition” myself.

One sign of a lack of self-trust is not trusting what your inner voice is telling you. Have you ever had the experience, after the fact, of saying:  ” I knew it!”.  Well, yes, you did.  And you didn’t act accordingly because you weren’t trusting yourself in that moment. 

Mind you, as with all things attainable in life, there is no such thing as perfection.  Any of us can still be susceptible to self-doubt on occasion.  What I’m talking about is that feeling deep inside you that you can rely on you.  You in fact are there for yourself- and not even crazy or imagining things either. 😉

The more obvious form for me of a lack of self-trust was that I would commonly doubt my intuitions, or pretend they didn’t exist.  I would seek the help of friends (including non-physical ones) or professionals when I had a big decision to make.  I’m not saying it is never a good idea to do that.  Of course it is.  And, when one is mostly relying on the input from others to make decisions, that is clearly not optimal.

Recently I have become way more adept at receiving and trusting the messages I get, both in making decisions for myself and in working with clients.  My intuition is accurately guiding me, say, when I am considering whether to introduce a particular food back into my diet, or when I am working with a difficult client and suddenly get an inspiration that works out beautifully.  In the few instances when it doesn’t happen, it’s not because my intuition is not spot on.  It is.  And so is yours.  It’s because I’m momentarily forgetting what I’ve learned and not allowing my real knowing to come through.  I’m letting my ego get in the way.

And then a couple of weeks ago I realized there is yet another way I am gaining in self-trust.  I woke up at 4:00 a.m., unable to get back to sleep.  I had sent an email to my former primary partner before going to bed, an email that I woke up knowing had the potential to open up a world of shit for both of us.  I’d done it rather impulsively, refusing to listen to that voice of reason in my head.  So I lay there worrying and being miserable for a while.  And it became clear that sleep was far, far away at this point.  And then I started dreading the next day.  I imagined starting off my busy, early day being tired and cranky, and going downhill from there.

I had a choice.  I could either continue with the status quo and make what I was fantasizing about come true (the awful day), or I could get out of bed, have something to eat and drink, ready my book and get on with the business of sleeping before my alarm went off.  It was not easy for me to make the second choice.  The old me probably wouldn’t have even thought of the second choice, let alone made it.  I had to get out of my victim mentality.  I had to admit that I create it all, and that I was free to create a better outcome, too.  I had to have the courage to at least try.  So I did it.  I got out of bed, even though I was super tired and unsure of my ability to pull this off, got a bag of almonds and some lemon water, and chowed down while I read.  For about an hour.  By then I was sleepy and not obsessing about bad stuff.  I had a whole hour in which to catch some more slumber.  And I did.  And it was lovely.  And then I got up and had a great day.

And I realized, while I was doing it:  I was really being there for myself.  I was not abandoning myself.  I was being worthy of my own trust.  That’s what this journey has been for the past three months now.  Being there for myself, day by day, moment by moment, making the healthy choices, making the self-loving choices, making the choices that I am in alignment with….I love and trust myself.