I Am Not a Bitch

And neither are you. When I really thought about it, I felt offended when a former partner used the b-word to describe me, or my behavior.  (He, incidentally was questioning also whether others thought he was a bastard.  So there are TWO b-words.) You see, I'm big into authenticity and was telling myself it was just him being honest about his experience. And then more recently I've been catching  myself referring to my OWN behavior as bitchy.  Hmmmm.  What's up with that?! Lately, I've been present to the true origin and meaning of the word "bitch", and I ...

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How Kink Changed my Life

I'm being a little facetious here, but not really.  I mean, yes, adding a dimension of kink into my life several years ago as a regular thing has  most definitely improved the quality of my life.  I've decided it is an essential element for me to be truly happy, like exercise, or good food.  Good kink-yesssss! And then recently, as you may know, I've been riding the waves of some heavy duty grief.  I'm grieving two losses at once. You know how people say the thing:  'how can I help', or whatever?  Well, that's a very nice thing to say, right?  And usually ...

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I’m Messy

Last night I was so scared.  I've had a couple of really big losses lately- one, an actual death, and one that just feels like the other person has died.  More specifically, my brother died fairly unexpectedly in his sleep less than two weeks ago.  And a relationship with a deep soulmate ended recently as well. I don't usually have trouble being present with and allowing myself to feel my feelings.  Some might say I have too LITTLE trouble with that.  I'm the person that cries during television commercials, cries tears of joy frequently, and is not afraid to tell ...

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My Open Heart

It hurts.  Letting go of a Beloved always hurts.  It really doesn't get easier with "practice" and life experience, does it?  Not for me anyway. Last week I had an ending of relationship with one of my lovers.  And even though I was the one who initiated it, my heart still hurts. I am deeply saddened that this one didn't work out, and still even now getting in touch with just how badly I wanted it to...alas, when it isn't right, it isn't right. My heart is broken open.  I am wiling to feel all of my feelings and ride the waves.  That part doesn't get easier; ...

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Numbers Are Good- For Math

I've been  thinking about how we use numbers to evaluate people a lot.  And it's not a good thing. Numbers for scores on tests.  Numbers for height.  Numbers on a scale.  Numbers for age. And there's always a "good" number and a "bad" number, right? As if these numbers somehow mean something about our worthiness as human beings. My God/dess, there's a literal rating system for someone's attractiveness! "(S)he's a ten". The number that REALLY got me thinking about all this is the: "What's your number?" question.  I don't mean me personally.  I just mean in ...

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The Intimacy of Kink

In recent discussions, with both myself ;) and others, I've noticed that there's a general assumption that lovemaking is lovemaking and kink is kink. There's an implication that real intimacy, real connection, only happens with vanilla sex: that "lovemaking" is the only sex that involves love, and it has to be sloooow, with lots of looking into each other's eyes, and whispering, and seriousness about the whole thing.  Anybody know what I'm talking about? And no, I'm going to have to say that I quite disagree with this point of view.  That in fact, some of the most ...

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The Truth About Me

Okay, are you ready for the shocking truth?  I love sex.  I love S.E.X. I understand that some of you may be saying, "duh, I already knew that" right now...and yes, it's true that I have not been hiding that fact about myself.  AND, believe it or not, it seems there's a part of me that hasn't/isn't always 100% in essence about it. Once again, you may find THIS hard to believe: For years now, maybe until about 6-12 months ago, I had lost some of my former mojo.  I don't know that I can explain it, exactly.  I'm sure it had to do with a combination of hormonal ...

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Boundaries 101

Boundaries have been coming up for me SO MUCH lately!  As I raise the bar with my own boundaries- again, defined by Brene Brown as "what's okay, what's not okay"- the next opportunity to inquire into and define my boundaries comes up. What I know about setting and keeping clear boundaries is that it is way the hell up there with top ways for us to love ourselves. The first time I heard that, it struck me as odd, or at least as a thought I'd never had before.  And, in time, I've come to realize how true that really is. I do recommend giving some thought to this ...

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What is Love?

What's been popping up for me lately is wondering about the nature of love.  Or perhaps I should say Love, with a capital L. It's a topic I've long been interested in.  I remember over a decade ago when I was in school at The Hendricks Institute, and one day in class we had a Q & A session with Gay and Katie, to ask about anything we wanted.  The question I asked was this:  I've heard that you (Gay) don't think love is an emotion.  Is that true?  And the answer (in paraphrase form) was essentially yes, that is true.  I don't think love is an emotion.  I ...

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When Shiva Made Love to Me

I was awakened in the early morning At 5:00 a.m. to be exact By Shiva embodied His hand on my lower back, firmly Already sending life force energy into my pulsing body Receiving Suddenly so awake, all of my senses heightened He continued to place just one hand on me, touching, pressing, squeezing, making my body come alive Slowly, seductively, relentlessly As I lay on my side, facing away from him The only sound in the room my own moans and whimpers Encouraging me to open through his potent energy He touched my ass, by back, my neck Each touch sending me more ...

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